I am not one of those women who idealized motherhood. I had no lofty ideals about me and and my baby nuzzling together and all being right with the world, no illusions that being a parent is all rainbows and sunshine. I did not think being a mother would complete me. I was content with my life before Elijah. People are are shocked when they ask me, "Could you imagine your life without him?" and I say yes. Not because I don't love my child more than my own life (and I do), but because I was never sure I wanted children. So yes, I had imagined my life without him.
Some people don't understand this line of thinking and that's okay. I am kind of a misfit among moms anyway. In my defense I will say I think this point of view has made me a better mom. I truly appreciate and am thankful for the amazing gift of our son. Because I was already content, already happy with my life, he has just been icing on the cake. But that icing didn't come without lots of hard work.
No one could have truly prepared me for the work that goes into being a mother. Like I said, I knew it was not this Utopian existence once he was born, yet it was all tougher than I imagined. I was committed to doing the absolute best for our son, the best as far as my and Rusty's opinions go. I wanted to have a natural birth, to cloth diaper (more on that in a later post), to breastfeed exclusively for 6 months, and feed him a Paleo-style diet when he began solids (I got a lot of good info about feeding your baby primal style at Mark's Daily Apple), and (gasp) to be a Stay At Home Mom. Mind you, when we found out we were pregnant I said to Rusty, "I hope you don't expect me to stay home with this kid." hahaha. Obviously my tune changed rather quickly once I saw his sweet face. So far we have accomplished all these things, minus the Paleo. That kind of went out the window after about the 10-month mark when he was introduced to bread...now that's all he wants!
Anyhow, for me the toughest parts were first of all, the recovery. Man, NOBODY could have prepared me for this one. I feel like everyone glossed over this part. Mostly because no one wants to remember it I guess. I think labor paled in comparison to the recovery. Yes, natural child birth was rough, but once you're done that's it. No side effects, so lingering symptoms, no more pain. Nobody could have prepared me for how gross I would feel after I had my baby. I hated looking in the mirror and I for sure didn't want Rusty to see me naked. I didn't feel like myself for months. It's better now, although I still have body image issues (darn stretch marks) and I still pee all over myself if I jump rope or run. Oh well, small price to pay for our sweet boy. Still there are days when I miss my old body.
The second toughest part for me has been the loss of myself. Being a good parent means being absolutely selfless. If you choose to breastfeed exclusively this is especially true. I remember on numerous occasions telling Rusty or my mom, "I'm just a pair of boobs!". I felt like the rocker in Eli's nursery had a permanent mold of my butt in it. In the beginning when you are feeding every 2-3 hrs it seems like there will never be an end to it. It would have been so much easier just to give him formula or start pushing rice cereal down his throat at 2 months so he would sleep longer stretches, but I just didn't feel like that was the best decision for my baby. I tried to follow the tips from the book On Becoming Babywise. I HIGHLY recommend this book. I stuck to the basic principles of the book, and Eli was sleeping through the night by about 3 months old. As with any book, it's not perfect, but you obviously don't have to subscribe to every suggestion in the book. It just worked really well for us. He continues to be a good napper and a good sleeper with the common exceptions of teething, certain milestones, etc. Now that he is a year old, I have begun the weaning process and it's going fine. I am still feeding him first thing in the morning and before bedtime, but that will probably stop for good at the end of the month when Rusty and I go to NV for a friend's wedding that Rusty is in. Did I mention how excited I am to have a 4-day vaca with my hubby...ALONE!!!! First time away together since Eli was born! Thanks Mom & Rob for watching Elijah!
In addition to nursing, being a stay-at-home Mom has also made me feel isolated. I don't miss my job for one second, but I do miss the social interaction with other adults. On top of that, many of you know that Rusty is gone for work. A LOT. So, my best friend isn't here a majority of the time. My family lives 6 hrs away. My best girl friends are spread out from DC to Nashville to Salt Lake City. I have a wonderful church family with a ton of great women who have helped me tremendously, but there's just not the same closeness there as with some of my other closest friends. And it seems so complicated to try and coordinate playdates, lunches, hangout times, etc with my friends here. Why does everything have to be so planned and organized? I just wanna hang and chat without having it penciled in 2 weeks in advance. I sometimes feel like I am the only SAHM in Columbus that doesn't scrapbook, craft, chair something, or join a Mommy Group. Nothing is wrong with those things, in fact they are great, if you enjoy them. I don't. I tried the Mommy Group thing, but it didn't click for me. I'm with my kid all day, the last thing I want to do if I have "me time" is to spend it talking about kids (again, back to the loss of self). I started working out at home to save money, but I am considering joining back up at the gym just to have some interaction with other women who enjoy the things I do (working out, for example).
I absolutely adore my son. He brings so much joy to my life. He has made my relationship with Rusty even better. He has made my relationship with God better. You know a whole different kind of love with a child. Plus, Eli is just awesome. Most people know I'm not exactly a baby/kid person, but even if Eli wasn't my kid, I would still think he was awesome. He smiles all the time. He is such a ham. He does the "scary face". He does Superman arms every time he sees Grandpa. He shrieks with delight when I chase him around the house. He waves and smiles at strangers in the grocery store, in restaurants, in Target, you name it. He carries balls with him everywhere. He feeds the dogs from his high chair. He bee-bops to music. He would probably sleep in the bathtub if I let him. He loves the vacuum cleaner and tries to talk over it every time I vacuum. He's just a funny kid and I love him to death. So, here I am doing the best I can for my son, but trying to be honest about what the hardest things are about trying to do my best...just a work in progress!
Eli's Scary Face
