Funeral Reflections

My Grandma passed away last week. My sister and I drove to the town where my Grandma lived on Friday morning for the visitation, funeral and burial. My Grandma has lived in the same house, in the same town since my dad was in 11th grade, so I guess since about 1971. All of my dad's brothers and sisters live right there near my Grandma, at most 10-15 minutes away. So do all my other cousins (all 12 of them) along with their spouses, and their children. My dad was the "rebel" who moved out of the county in which they all live when he and my mom got married in 1978. 

I have never felt close to my Grandma, but I have always loved her because she is my grandma. But the funeral was a little difficult. I was surrounded by tons of family, who I love, only to realize that my sister and I are the outsiders. We've always pretty much known this. It's no one's fault. We just grew up 20 minutes away from everyone else in the family, so we were never really a part of everything, except major holidays. Sitting in the second pew of the little country church, I was surrounded on all sides by people weeping. Weeping for the loss of their mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and friend. And I couldn't muster a tear. And it made me sad that I couldn't mourn for my own grandmother.

I have no complaints about my life. I know that in order to be close to her and all my dad's family I would have had to live in that county, 10-15 minutes away from everyone. I am thankful that I didn't, because if I had, my life path would be completely different. I wouldn't be married to the love of my life and have my amazing son. But as I sat in the middle of that pew, I was just sad. Sad that my sister and I are the only outsiders in the whole family. Sad that I know my life won't change because of her death. Sad that I won't miss my Grandma. Sad that I barely knew her.

But even in this sadness, I found peace and joy. Peace in the fact that the Lord knows the plans he has for me. He knew back in 1978 when my parents moved out of that county that I wouldn't be close to my dad's family. But he had other plans for me. And because of those plans, I met a wonderful Christian husband, I have friends that I consider family, and I have a loving church family that encourages me so much in my spiritual life. Sitting through the funeral proceedings of a loved one will often make you reflect on your own life. As I consider the path of my life, I feel so blessed and so thankful for the roads God has led me down. 

The Thing About Facebook

Some of you who used to be my "friends" on Facebook may have seen the note I posted about why I get annoyed with Facebook, right before I deactivated my account. Well, I won't go into that list here, because it's stuff that most of you already know. What I will tell you about is my failed attempt to re-enter the world of Facebook.

The CrossFit gym I joined here in Franklin communicates most of their updates about gym hours, meet-up locations for certain workouts, etc on Facebook. I thought it might be worth it to get back on so I could be in the know with my new gym peeps. So, I logged back on to my account. "Welcome back! We've missed you!" Yeah right. So the first thing I did was went through and slashed my "friends" list from 200-something down to 70-something. If I was going to get back on there, I really only wanted those who I truly wanted to stay in touch with be able to see what was going on with me and vice versa. Because let's be honest, what percentage of your Facebook friends do you regularly communicate with?

Ok, so on to the meat of the matter. After my "friend" slashing, I clicked on the home to see the recent updates. My sister, who has one of the biggest hearts I know, had posted something similar to the following statement. "I wish I could adopt every dog without a home and every baby without a family. It breaks my heart to see those that are so helpless." (sorry, Lauren, I know that's not verbatim, but it's the gist.) One of her "friends" commented on her status, and insinuated that she could support the baby thing, but not the dog thing. And it didn't help matters that I knew this particular "friend" had already made her negative comments and opinions known to my sister on a separate occasion in regards to her considering rescuing another dog. Like it's not enough that she would give her unsolicited opinion and advice about what SHE thinks is best for my sister and her husband. She also made the passive aggressive Facebook post. If you know me very well, you know that I can get mad at my sister or say mean things to her, but if someone else does, I get pretty heated.

So, I know I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than any of you would, but FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. This is why I cannot stand Facebook. Really it's not the over-posters, the TMI posters, or the religious/political posters that really get me. Mostly because you can hide these people if you don't want to see what they have to say. And if I don't agree with what they post, so what? I just don't comment. Folks are entitled to their own opinions, and I don't expect everyone's to mirror mine. It's when people comment on things offering their unsolicited advice, their unwelcome opinions, and do it in a passive aggressive manner. And it's so hard to convey tone via Facebook, so people get all riled up (like yours truly when I read that post to my sister). And I just don't understand why people can't be courteous. If someone wants to rescue 6 dogs, maybe that's their calling! Why do you care? Is it not okay with you simply because they choose not to have 6 kids? Not everyone does things the same way, and that's okay. It would be really boring if we were all the same. Stop trying to force people to fit into the pigeon hole that is YOUR LIFE. Or at least stop making negative comments just because you don't necessarily agree or would not do the same thing. Love one another. That is the second greatest command. So just do it. "Be kind and compassionate to one another..." Eph 4:32

And if you don't agree with me, keep your opinion to yourself! LOL!!! Just kidding for those that couldn't interpret my tone. But seriously, I didn't post this to start an argument, just to vent. So please take it as such.

What's New

Well, for those of you who don't already know, Eli and I made the trip up to Franklin, TN on Monday to my mom's house. We will be hanging out here for a while, probably til my marathon (gulp) on Apr 30th. That is as long as Mom & Rob don't get sick of us and kick us out! hahaha! But seriously, being here is great. I am so thankful Eli has a great GiGi & Grandpa who love him and love playing with him and spending time with him. It is so nice for me to be able to go to the gym and workout, go for a run, get a shower, or maybe have a little "me" time now and then. Mom is also glad to have me here because Rob has just started his new job with Microsoft (yay!) and is in the weeds, so to speak. He just finished his first week, and he is so stoked about his new position, but as with any transition to a new company and new role, there is much to learn. Rob is somewhat of a perfectionist, which of course makes him outstanding at any job he seeks to accomplish, but also makes him feel a little overwhelmed having to learn all new stuff. He says his colleagues at MS have been amazing, and I know it will be no time before he is up and running. He and Mom have been really blessed by this amazing job he landed with MS.

In other news, I am SUPER STOKED to be officially a member of CrossFit Middle Tennessee. At least for 2 1/2 months. It is so awesome to have people who dig the same style of working out as I do. To have people that know way more than me, to coach me on my form, and to push me to do more than I thought I could do. To meet other chicks who like to throw heavy weight around! To talk about Paleo recipes, mobility exercises and pose running. I Love It. They even have a CF Endurance certified coach there, so I am looking forward to taking advantage of his expertise while I train for my upcoming marathon (gulp).

In Eli news, he is just getting cuter and funnier by the day. He is really starting to communicate more, especially with his tone and inflection of his voice. He is obviously understanding a lot more now, and imitating a lot more. He will grab his toes when I start to say "This little Piggy..." He will hold the phone up to his ear and talk (baby jibberish). He is starting to play with things more interactively (I think that's the word I'm looking for). Like with these little toy dinosaurs my mom has. He'll make two of them fight, make them walk up and down surfaces, etc. He is really starting to show more of his personality, and my mom says it reminds her so much of me at that age. I absolutely love the little guy to pieces. He is more and more fun every day. I am so blessed to have such a good boy. Napping and sleeping like a dream. Makes me nervous for #2. Like a second one could NOT be this good!

And in nutrition news...well, I am officially at the end of my initial Whole30 challenge. Yes, I fell off the wagon for a 4 day stint, but I identified the issue, got back on the wagon and finished strong. I am NOT beating myself up about it anymore, and I am moving on. I said that I was going to start all over with the Whole30, but I feel that right now that may not be the right choice. I am planning on remaining Paleo 90% of the time, but I think it will be wise to make it a little less stressful on myself for now. My plan is to go back 100% 30 days out from my marathon. I want to be in the utmost awesome health possible for it. Because I did my first distance run today since getting my cast off, and it. was. terrible. But, I am hoping for a quick bounce back, esp with eating clean a majority of the time. For the time being, I am kind of letting Saturdays be my lax day. Not that I'm going to shove my face with all non-Paleo food on Saturdays, but if I feel like something non-Paleo that day, I'll have it. Then back to business Sun-Fri. I feel like that's a pretty good balance, and one that's very attainable. And thanks to you guys who commented on my derailment confessions. I really gleaned something from each comment, and it was helpful! You guys rock!

I also want to write about my extreme annoyance when I thought I would get back on Facebook. That lasted for about 5 seconds. I will share that in another post. I've already rambled on enough tonight! (while enjoying an outstanding glass of Cab...def one of those splurges that is WORTH IT!)

These Are My Confessions

So, I almost didn't write this, but then that would be like pretending I'm better than I am. In reality I am weak sauce. So, all was going well in my Whole30 Challenge. I had made lots of great testimony and it was all true. I was feeling great, having positive thoughts, not having cravings, and easily passing on sweets when they were presented.

Then someone who will remain unnamed sent me a lovely Valentine's Day package. Very thoughtful sweet card along with a small box of Russell Stover chocolates. So I think, "How sweet! But, since I won't be eating them, I'll give them to the ladies at the drop-in childcare at the gym since I'm on my way there anyways." So I make the 40 minute drive on post, go to drop E so I can workout, only to realize that the childcare is closed from 2-4. It's 2:02. I can't very well hang out for 2 hrs, so we get back in the car and I decide I'll run a couple of errands. Instead I sat in my car and ate the chocolates. Which is not THAT big of a deal. It's only a small box, like 6 pieces of candy. Except this is what happens in my head afterwards:

"Ok, that was my one cheat. No big deal."
"Well, it was kind of a big deal. The Whole30 says that now I have to start my 30 days all over again from here."
"The day is ruined!" "I'll start over tomorrow."
Instead I ate more chocolate the next day. Again I thought to myself, "I'll start over tomorrow."

But the next day I had company and one of the girls left the chocolate chip cookies she brought. I ate the rest of the bag. And I thought to myself, "Well, it's Friday. I'll just start over next week."

So today instead of eating sensibly I stuff my face with Rice Krispies and sugar cookies at our church function "Wild On Wheels" for the toddlers. Why were the only snacks provided for toddlers sugar cookies, Rice Krispy treats and brownies? Oh, and Goldfish and Capri Suns? Isn't that the sort of thing that got Americans into this sugar addiction and obesity epidemic to begin with? But I digress.

This is not their fault, it's mine. Nor is it the fault of the mystery relative who sent me chocolate. Its my fault. I am terrible! So, how can I fix this problem? It's like once I derail, fall off the wagon, whatever you want to call it, I go in elbows deep. Is this how it is with alcoholism and other addictions? Am I a sugar addict? How can I break this freaking cycle? I want to choose better. I want to be stronger. I want to be healthier. I don't want food to be this huge drama. I don't want it taking up so much of my head. I look back to the quotes from the Whole30. Things like, "This is not hard. Beating cancer is hard." "Don't consider the possibility of a slip." And I feel like a massive failure. I made it 22 days. Which to be fair to myself is probably the longest I've ever been in my life without sweets. And I was feeling so great, and I blew it.

But this is nothing new. This is always the story with me. The same thing happens every time I make an effort to be better at something. Spending time in prayer. Studying my Bible more often. Being a better friend. Thinking of others more. I really want to. I do. But I don't. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. Selfishness and self-gratification are tough nuts to crack. I bet if I spent more time in prayer like I know I should and want to, that would help immensely! Otherwise I'm open for suggestions. Anyone?

And if any of you are going to say things like, "Don't beat yourself up, you did good. Blah, blah, blah." Just don't waste your time or mine. Tell me something that will HELP me be better, not to feel better. Tomorrow: Day 1 of Whole30, Take Two.

How Much Longer Do You Have?

So, I am on Day 18 of my Whole30 challenge, and it is going great! It's funny because people that know I am doing the Whole30 sometimes ask me, "How much longer do you have ______?" Fill in the blank with things like "to do this" or "to eat this way" or "until you're done". But at some point it hit me that I was no longer thinking in those terms. So, today is Day 18 of my challenge, but I am not thinking "12 more days!" I am not planning my first cheat. I am not looking forward to going back to the old way of eating. This is the new way. For several reasons.

1) I feel great.
2) Cooking is FUN! (but it would be more fun if there was someone here to appreciate it)
3) It is the best thing for my son.
4) I want to be healthy for life, not yo-yo back and forth between eating strict and not.

So, here are the highlights of some of the things I cooked this week that I think turned out the best.

Butternut Squash and Sausage Breakfast
One thing about eating Paleo is of course some of the things that you used to eat are no longer an option. This  is hardest for me at breakfast. I pretty much have eggs and fruit every morning, but saw this post on the Whole9 site that I was eager to try for a much needed break from eggs every morning. It turned out super awesome, and it is Eli-approved as well. I love the combo of the squash with the sweetness of the yellow onion and the warmth of the cinnamon and the creaminess of the coconut milk. YUMMY! Although the recipe calls for butternut squash, I am sure any winter squash would work as well. And I used my venison summer sausage again instead of sausage links. Also, I did not have any Tone Chachere's seasoning on hand (actually, I don't even know what it is) so it turned out just great without it as well.

Curry Fried Mahi with Broccoli, Onion & Raisins
This recipe came from Tom Denhams's awesome site, Whole Life Eating. I subbed Mahi for the Flounder and it was great. I had tried making this before, but where I messed up was not adhering to the heat recommendations. Huge difference when cooking on medium heat (correct) vs medium-high heat (NOT good). The broccoli stir-fry combo was awesome as well. I love the sweetness the onion and raisins brought to the dish. One change I made was to use frozen broccoli instead of fresh. I still adhered to the recommended cooking time, which made the broccoli come out with a little crunch still in it, which I like. Like Tom said in his post, I may have fallen in love with broccoli all over again! This was super easy and quick to prepare, so it would be great for those nights when you're in a rush to get dinner on the table!

Let me know if you decided to give 'em a whirl and if so how you like it!

The Book That Should Change Your Life

So, many of you have probably heard me talk about this book already, and that's okay. I think it is so powerful that I can't imagine NOT blogging about it. The book is called Crazy Love by Francis Chan. In my words, here's the basics of the book. Francis Chan really gets you thinking. About lots of things, but the following in particular.

1) The magnitude and greatness of God.
2) Despite His Greatness, the love and care God has for EACH and EVERY ONE OF US.
3) Our response to this, which for most people, even "Christians" is lame.

I have been brought up in church my whole life and had never meditated on or grasped the concepts of some of the issues he brings up in this book. God does an amazing job speaking through Francis Chan in this book. This book should cause you to evaluate yourself and to ask yourself some really hard questions. Am I in love with God? Am I a lukewarm Christian? Am I placing too much importance on physical things and things on this earth that won't matter when I'm long gone. Do I care too much about what others think of me to live a life that screams "I am a God follower!"?

Aside from the Bible, I have never read a book that moved me like this one. Rusty and I both feel this way and feel like we have reached a new level in our spiritual lives from some of the truths we came to grips with about ourselves after reading this. There were times when we were both moved to tears during our study of this book. I can't say enough about how it has changed the way I think and hopefully the way I live and love.

I hope and pray you will check it out too. You can read more about it and check out some great videos at the website for the book, www.crazylovebook.com. Or just order it at Amazon (link below) or pick it up at any local bookstore.