Funeral Reflections

My Grandma passed away last week. My sister and I drove to the town where my Grandma lived on Friday morning for the visitation, funeral and burial. My Grandma has lived in the same house, in the same town since my dad was in 11th grade, so I guess since about 1971. All of my dad's brothers and sisters live right there near my Grandma, at most 10-15 minutes away. So do all my other cousins (all 12 of them) along with their spouses, and their children. My dad was the "rebel" who moved out of the county in which they all live when he and my mom got married in 1978. 

I have never felt close to my Grandma, but I have always loved her because she is my grandma. But the funeral was a little difficult. I was surrounded by tons of family, who I love, only to realize that my sister and I are the outsiders. We've always pretty much known this. It's no one's fault. We just grew up 20 minutes away from everyone else in the family, so we were never really a part of everything, except major holidays. Sitting in the second pew of the little country church, I was surrounded on all sides by people weeping. Weeping for the loss of their mother, grandmother, great-grandmother, and friend. And I couldn't muster a tear. And it made me sad that I couldn't mourn for my own grandmother.

I have no complaints about my life. I know that in order to be close to her and all my dad's family I would have had to live in that county, 10-15 minutes away from everyone. I am thankful that I didn't, because if I had, my life path would be completely different. I wouldn't be married to the love of my life and have my amazing son. But as I sat in the middle of that pew, I was just sad. Sad that my sister and I are the only outsiders in the whole family. Sad that I know my life won't change because of her death. Sad that I won't miss my Grandma. Sad that I barely knew her.

But even in this sadness, I found peace and joy. Peace in the fact that the Lord knows the plans he has for me. He knew back in 1978 when my parents moved out of that county that I wouldn't be close to my dad's family. But he had other plans for me. And because of those plans, I met a wonderful Christian husband, I have friends that I consider family, and I have a loving church family that encourages me so much in my spiritual life. Sitting through the funeral proceedings of a loved one will often make you reflect on your own life. As I consider the path of my life, I feel so blessed and so thankful for the roads God has led me down.