So, I almost didn't write this, but then that would be like pretending I'm better than I am. In reality I am weak sauce. So, all was going well in my Whole30 Challenge. I had made lots of great testimony and it was all true. I was feeling great, having positive thoughts, not having cravings, and easily passing on sweets when they were presented.
Then someone who will remain unnamed sent me a lovely Valentine's Day package. Very thoughtful sweet card along with a small box of Russell Stover chocolates. So I think, "How sweet! But, since I won't be eating them, I'll give them to the ladies at the drop-in childcare at the gym since I'm on my way there anyways." So I make the 40 minute drive on post, go to drop E so I can workout, only to realize that the childcare is closed from 2-4. It's 2:02. I can't very well hang out for 2 hrs, so we get back in the car and I decide I'll run a couple of errands. Instead I sat in my car and ate the chocolates. Which is not THAT big of a deal. It's only a small box, like 6 pieces of candy. Except this is what happens in my head afterwards:
"Ok, that was my one cheat. No big deal."
"Well, it was kind of a big deal. The Whole30 says that now I have to start my 30 days all over again from here."
"The day is ruined!" "I'll start over tomorrow."
Instead I ate more chocolate the next day. Again I thought to myself, "I'll start over tomorrow."
But the next day I had company and one of the girls left the chocolate chip cookies she brought. I ate the rest of the bag. And I thought to myself, "Well, it's Friday. I'll just start over next week."
So today instead of eating sensibly I stuff my face with Rice Krispies and sugar cookies at our church function "Wild On Wheels" for the toddlers. Why were the only snacks provided for toddlers sugar cookies, Rice Krispy treats and brownies? Oh, and Goldfish and Capri Suns? Isn't that the sort of thing that got Americans into this sugar addiction and obesity epidemic to begin with? But I digress.
This is not their fault, it's mine. Nor is it the fault of the mystery relative who sent me chocolate. Its my fault. I am terrible! So, how can I fix this problem? It's like once I derail, fall off the wagon, whatever you want to call it, I go in elbows deep. Is this how it is with alcoholism and other addictions? Am I a sugar addict? How can I break this freaking cycle? I want to choose better. I want to be stronger. I want to be healthier. I don't want food to be this huge drama. I don't want it taking up so much of my head. I look back to the quotes from the Whole30. Things like, "This is not hard. Beating cancer is hard." "Don't consider the possibility of a slip." And I feel like a massive failure. I made it 22 days. Which to be fair to myself is probably the longest I've ever been in my life without sweets. And I was feeling so great, and I blew it.
But this is nothing new. This is always the story with me. The same thing happens every time I make an effort to be better at something. Spending time in prayer. Studying my Bible more often. Being a better friend. Thinking of others more. I really want to. I do. But I don't. My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak. Selfishness and self-gratification are tough nuts to crack. I bet if I spent more time in prayer like I know I should and want to, that would help immensely! Otherwise I'm open for suggestions. Anyone?
And if any of you are going to say things like, "Don't beat yourself up, you did good. Blah, blah, blah." Just don't waste your time or mine. Tell me something that will HELP me be better, not to feel better. Tomorrow: Day 1 of Whole30, Take Two.
hahaha! i love you. And i think the only way for you (or me) to do the whole 30 with no cheats is to fall off the radar and go into hiding for 30 days! social functions always include comfort foods with sugar and butter! LOL. but heres the part you dont want to hear, you eat super healthy so its ok. just dont keep that stuff in your house. then its not bad when you occassionally eat sweets in social settings. but thats just me. i think if you restrict yourself completely from things you want it that much more and "fall off the wagon" Moderation and motivation. those are the keys! but i admire your motivation to keep going!
ReplyDeleteThanks girl! I love you too!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I am so impressed with your self control and that you went 22 days with NOT ONE SWEET. Ok, that in itself is already super human. :) But in anything you do there will be mistakes. Or what's the point of grace? And why would we need Jesus? NOT that eating well is part of salvation (HA!).(I am speaking more to the paragraph after the main confession.)We are imperfect. Mistakes will happen. And while it's VERY frustrating we are not robots :) it's human. We have a sinful nature that looks to what we want. But praise God he gave us his Spirit to change us. The most important part I feel it that you keep trying. Pray for God's help and he will answer. I have felt these feelings too. I am a "put my mind to it" girl and hate when I fail. So I feel this pain. :) But just the fact that you are starting again is progress. (And those testimonies about "this is not hard" is a bunch of CRAP..yes this is VERY HARD. eating healthy is HARD to do!)
ReplyDeleteam I a nosey stranger from outta town or what? :)
melanie
Thanks Melanie! And you aren't nosey! That's why I put this on here, to get feedback :) I have been studying more about the Spirit recently, and I have to say I've underestimated him for years! I am so thankful for God's grace and for his Spirit. Because let's face it, if it was up to us alone, we'd be doomed. And that's what's good about having moments like these. It reminds me that I am human, and how I need God in every aspect of my life.
ReplyDeleteHah. Before I read this, I had Cold Stone. And it made me feel like crap. Even while I was eating it, I knew I didn't want to finish it, but that didn't stop me. So my advice is this: remember all of the bad feelings the come along with 'cheats'. It seems like they'll be worth it, but when you remember the physical discomfort and the emotional beating you put yourself through for cheating in the first place (warranted or not), the shine of a temporary sugar high pales in comparison. However, the fact is, sometimes a treat is worth it (think homemade pies or a really good glass of wine), and if you're planning on using the Whole30 as a boost to kickstart an overall healthier lifestyle going forward, a weekend of regression is a minor setback. All the good choices you've made over the last 22 days far outweigh the handful of 'bad' choices you've made over 3. And not just for you either - Eli is definitely benefitting from all the good choices you're making (the fact that he'll grow up knowing that fruit and veggies can be tasty snacks is just plain awesome).
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, quit beating yourself up (sorry girl, had to say it). Jump back in, and when you find yourself staring at a potential derailment, just think about it. And imagine Melissa giving you an F-bomb riddled pep talk. That should do the trick.
OK Heather. First of all, I have to agree with Melanie's comment above about how "This is not hard" is a bunch of crap. I agree. After reading about the Whole30 program, Tim and I are considering doing the program. HOWEVER comparing it with beating cancer and all that is NOT a fair comparison. Yes, fighting cancer is a much more serious thing than conquering a detox program like this, but it's not comparing apples to apples. Having to fight cancer is NOT a choice. Taking on a challenge like this IS a choice. So having to exercise will power is not in the picture in the former, but it's a huge component in the latter and it's a TOUGH thing. So I can't help it, but I have to say try not to beat yourself up, because it will only hinder you.
ReplyDeleteBut I digress. The only piece of advice I have to offer from personal experience is to write down what you are eating. The only time I have ever dieted was after Savannah was about 4 or 5 months old. I did Weight Watchers online for about a month and a half to loose those pesky last 10 pounds, then I used my myfitnesspal app on my phone to maintain. With both tools, I had to track everything I ate, and I swear that's what really helped me. So I know you're not really counting calories or anything with Whole30, and maybe you're already doing this, but maybe keeping track would keep you motivated as well as prevent slip ups? I don't know, just my thoughts.
@Ellie- I LOVE how much you get me! Right down the the pies, wine and pep talk!
ReplyDelete@Heather- I was keeping a food journal of everything I ate, which did seem to help a TON. I wrote down my initial derailment and after that I couldn't bear to see it in print so I stopped! Haha! Like if I didn't write it down it didn't happen. So yes, good point. I think if I hadn't written it down I wouldn't have made it 22 days and I will be starting over again with that as well.